THE WACKY WEEK OF SPORTS: Eat Your Heart Out, Iron Mike

What a week, folks! Highlighted by yet another Suarez attack, there was a lot that went down around the sports world. So, fasten you seat belts, Wayniacs, as we go around the world of sports.

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Here’s a little known fact: Did you know that the odds of getting bit by a shark are approximately 3.7 million to one? That means that based on the Vegas line and the course of his career, you are less likely to get bit by a shark than Uruguay’s vampire-esque superstar Luis Suarez. Suarez put the World Cup center stage with his antics, biting Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini in a game which would eventually decide who was the last team to advance from Group D. Coincidentally, Uruguay would win, but Suarez would pay the price being suspended from soccer for the next four months. The US lost to Germany in a decisive game that still allowed the USMNT to advance for a match against Belgium this coming Tuesday. So you win a game, you draw a game, and then you lose a game… but you ultimately come out of the Group of Death alive. This all proves that Americans are still too stubborn and stupid to comprehend soccer. Can I get an amen, Ann Coulter?

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Turning to America’s other pastime, baseball had an eventful week. The hair is a little bit shorter and the mustache is a bit more porn starrish, but when Tim Lincecum is feeling it, he still has the ability to wow any baseball fan. The Freak no hit the San Diego Padres for the second time in a calendar year this past Wednesday, missing a perfect game by a mere one walk of Chase Headley. The Angels’ young superstar, center fielder Mike Trout also blasted his way into the the headlines. Trout slammed a home run 489 feet into the fountains at Royals’ Stadium, proving the old adage: chicks dig the long ball.

2014 NBA Draft

The NBA had a lot going this past week. Currently, everyone but Norris Cole has opted out of their contracts in Miami. Now, throughout the month of July, we all get to play the Where will Queen James go? game. Who cares? Where ever it is he goes, he will win a lot of games, score a tremendous amount of points, and then lose to Tim Duncan in the NBA Finals who said he will return for another year. The NBA Draft was also this week, and of all the picks and trades that went down, none was better than Baylor’s Isaiah Austin. Austin, a projected first round pick, had to end his career before it started due to Marfan syndrome, yet Commissioner Adam Silver still called his name Thursday making Austin an honorary NBA draft pick. Between tossing that bum Sterling out on his racist rear end, not rigging the NBA Finals to let Bron win, and now this move, Silver is certainly gaining a lot of friends and momentum heading into his first full season as Commish.

The NHL had their draft as well.

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Hail to the Not So Politically Correct Native Americans! The big news in the NFL this week came off the field, as the Redskins name and logo lost several of its trademarks and copy rights. It is looking more and more like Daniel Snyder will have to change his team name from the Redskins. Rumored replacement names have been the Affordable Health Cares, the Socialists, and Daniel Snyder’s Big Pile of Wasted Money. In Texans news, there is hope on the horizon, fellow Texans’ fans. Third string quarterback Case Keenum plans on reaching out to Andre Johnson to throw with during his hold out. Yea, that’s exactly what Andre needs. Everyday, AJ must be one step closer to losing his mind.

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And lastly, everyone’s favorite troubled golfer Tiger Woods returned to the limelight this weekend at the Quicken Loans International… well, kind of. Woods didn’t do terribly in his first two rounds of his return, but it wasn’t good enough to make the cut. No red shirt this Sunday, but the golf world is happier their favorite feline is back.

What does the week in sports have in store? That’s the beauty of sports: you can read the Vegas lines and people’s predictions all you want, but they are about as accurate as a meteorologist. Until next time, let’s hope the Yanks beat the Sox in the rubber match tonight and make sure you have your red, white, and blue on Tuesday at 4 PM. In the immortal words of Journey: Don’t stop believing! USA… USA… USA!!!

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