NFL Draft: Oh, Brother Where Art Thou?

I have asked my brother to be a contributor on the Wayniac Nation for a long time. Due to his busy work schedule and the fact that he travels around the world at will, he has always said, “Leave me alone.” Well, it turns out that every year, he sends an email to his friends predicting the first round of the NFL Draft. This year, he let me read his traditional email. 

Well, brother, you may have yet again not wanted to write for Wayniac Nation, but the email made me chuckle. So I took it and turned it into an article. You may have not wanted to be a part of The Nation, but today, I inadvertently welcome you aboard The Wayniac Nation. Enjoy draft fans! Take it away, little bro:

It’s draft time baby, and we are back for another year.

Ben Franklin was wrong, there are 4 things guaranteed in life: Death, Taxes, TJ hating quitters and me wasting $8 on a draft guide every year. But traditions must continue… kinda.

The Ginger Hammer has done it again. After moving the draft to the second week of May last year, this year Roger Goodell moved the draft UP two weeks and for the first time since 1964 the draft will be outside New York City. Does that mean ESPN will show the Jets draft montage less than in years past? Potentially, but that does not apply here: CUE THE JETS DRAFT MONTAGE!!! So if the draft wants to move, so shall we: I will be in NOLA, examining the effects of just how much beer can be consumed in a single day. Take that Goddell, but seriously keep that wallpaper.

With this being a very weak draft class in terms of good stories (by that I mean disasters), I decided to go unconventional and do a mock of the first 10 picks:

This picture still makes me laugh!
This picture still makes me laugh!

1) Tampa Bay Buccaneers  – Jameis Winston – QB FSU. Major: Social Science. This team needs a quarterback, and he is the best in the draft. Lindy’s compares him to… Big Ben (Major: Education)… why you ask: “they’ve also made some poor choices off the field”. Assault charges issued and eventually dropped, certainly NOT innocent and is a big-dumb jock… seems like pretty good comparison to me.

2) ** TRADE** Cleveland Browns – Marcus Mariota – QB Oregon. Major: General Science. Armed with 2 first round picks courtesy of the Bills (come on Doug Whaley, didn’t you learn anything working for the Steelers), the Browns trade up to draft their franchise QB (again) giving up on Johnny Manziel (Major: Sports Management) after just 7 quarters. When always quiet LT Joe Thomas (Business major, with an emphasis in Real Estate and Urban Land Economics), the same one who skipped the draft to go fishing AND protects your blind side calls you out, you are done.

3) Jacksonville Jaguars – Leonard Williams – DT USC. Could not find his major BUT some of his artwork was displayed at the 2013 and 2014 “Artletics” on-campus exhibits that featured the works of USC student-athletes. Called the safest pick in the draft. Is the safest like Andrew Luck or Khalil Mack (excelled) or more like Jonathan Cooper(good first name) or Matt Kalil (disappointed)? We shall see.

4) Oakland RRRRRRRRRaiders – Amari Cooper – WR Alabama – Cannot find Alabama’s majors, probably cause they have never seen a classroom. Al Davis would draft Kevin White (Major below): more speed, less developed, more speed (looking at you Darrius Heyward-Bey). New regime drafts the most NFL ready WR to help Derek Carr.

5) Washington Redskins – Dante Fowler Jr., DE/OLB, Florida – Do they even have classrooms in Gainesville? Both Gator and Jet fan Matthew Bernstein (Major: Communication) is devastated the best pass rusher was drafted one pick before the Jets. Easy replacement for Brian Orakpo.

Remember Blair Thomas? Most Jets fans try not to...
Remember Blair Thomas? Most Jets fans try not to…

6) J—E—T—S JETS JETS JETS – QUE THE JETS DRAFT MONTAGE . Vic Beasley, DE/OLB, ClemsonMajor: Sociology. Calvin Pace (Major: Sociology — seems like a solid replacement) is on the downside of his career and Quinton Coples (UNC, yeah someone did all his work) not living up to expectations. Damn, the Jets are back to drafting smart, not listening to a fat idiot who thinks he can mold anyone and has failed more often then he succeeded

7) Daaaaaaaa Berzzzzz – Shane Ray, DE/OLB, MizzouMajor: Business – John Fox likes to run both a 3-4 and a 4-3, Ray gives position flexibility. However, NEVER trust a man with 2 first names.

8) Atlanta Falcons – Kevin White – WR – WVU Major: multidisciplinary studies; Roddy White (Major: Sociology) is on the downside of his career and was injured through a lot of 2014. Harry Douglas (Major: Political Science) is on the Titans.

9) NY Giants – Brandon Scherff, OL, IowaMajor: Leisure Studies (In IOWA… cow tipping 102) – The Giants are never flashy and they know, wait for the football cliché……….. NOW…….. the game is won in the trenches.

j_everett_061011_top

10) Los Angeles-to-St Louis-back to-Los Angeles Rams – Trae Waynes – CB – MSUMajor: Psychology –Watching the 49ers score an 80 yard TD with less than a minute in the first half (hint they will throw the ball downfield) was painful. When you get Jon Gruden (Major: Communication) to say ANYTHING critical (“that was horrible defense”), you know you need help.

Some awards:

‘Most Bryces starting on a team’ award goes to…… Baylor surprisingly with 2

  • Bryce Petty – Graduated in May 2013 with bachelor’s degree in health science studies, earned Master’s in sports management in December 2014
  • Bryce Hager – Graduated in December 2014 with Bachelor’s degree in health, human performance and recreation studies

– ‘Brian Williams Award’ for best fictitious news storyJosh Shaw – CB USCMajor: Sociology. You may remember him as the guy that suffered two high ankle sprains while jumping from the balcony of his third-story downtown apartment, then tried to cover it up by saying he was injured trying to rescue a drowning nephew

– ‘Best Scrabble Name’Xzavier Dickson – OLD Alabama – was also suspended for the Sugar Bowl. 27 points with no double or triple points.

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